Sleep

sleep

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake” (Hemmingway). Lately, I have been thinking about the down parts in life. So, I’m a little scared of what I should say on here. I’m scared of what people might say. Once they figure my site out.

Let me tell you why my life feels like it’s crumbling.

All of you, know my endless thoughts of going away. The thoughts of escaping reality with the blink of an eye. Well, it all started out when I was diagnosed with PCOS.

WHAT IS PCOS???

I don’t blame any of you, who don’t know what that is. Well, it stands for Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome, what is a “hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries with small cyst on the outer edge.”

HOW DO THEY DIAGNOSE IT?

Too many questions, but most of all it was cause one major symptom. Which for PCOS, it is usually that your period is delayed.

Well, my period has been delayed, so like any other person I told my mother. My mother was not too worried, but after months of not having it. She made a doctors appointment. At that moment I was overweight, and like always the doctor pointed that out. The main thing I was always told: LOSE WEIGHT!

By then, I had figured that was that. The appointment finished, everything was discovered. I had to shed a few pounds…or try to. However, that was not the only thing. The doctor had also pointed out that my hormones were imbalanced. Yet that wasn’t the only thing, this final thing…destroyed me. Till this day, it eats me alive…I might not be able to have my own kids.

The years pass by and it’s like days. The first day is sunny and bright. The second day is still sunny but now you spot a cloud. The third day is cloudy, but you can still see the sun. It just keeps getting worse.

I just. I just want to sleep.

“Closer”

closer.jpg

“I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there”(The Perks of Being a Wallflower). There’s days where I hoped that I could change my whole life, but I can’t pick and choose my life like people choose cards from their deck. That’s why I like this quote. It opens my eyes…it makes me hope that I can make my own choices and make myself happy with the things that I do. I want to change the life of others, so I wonder if I pick the right college major. I should have picked a nursing major. Yet, I picked an English major. Where the best thing I can do is help people study English. Should I become a lawyer?

Anyway, like the quote says, “we can still choose where we go from there.” I always think about having adventures like a night out with the girls. For example, like yesterday I went to a concert. There was this moment where the drums yelled, the guitars scream, and the sweet melody flowed into my ear. My eyes closed for a minute, and I swear I felt the whole world stopped and for a millisecond I felt infinite.

That day has nothing to be compared with. There is probably no words in any language to describe the feeling. Yet, no matter how hard I try…I still feel the same. It’s the most common fight between ourselves. We don’t know what to do and who we are. Unlike many people who are willing to find who they are, I just want to give up. I’m tired of trying. I’m not satisfied, with the life I have. I want…I NEED something else that gives me strength to keep going.

The biggest fear I have is that I won’t like who I am in ten, twenty years. So in a way this power of picking your life choices can mess your whole life. I DON’T LIKE IT! Can it be simple? Just like the book The Giver, where they pick your life for you.

GPS My Way Out

“Ghandi once said that everything you do in life is insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. I tend to agree with the first part (Remember Me).” Not the first time, I related to this quote and it won’t be the last. Today as I looked upon the road in front of me,  I noticed the gray sky and the raindrops that represented the tears I did not let out. I don’t know why I hold it in. The wanting to cry, and yet I clench my insides and hold onto my breath that is trying to escape from me. Trying to force and shove the tears upwards, hoping that way they won’t come out.

At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to make a wrong turn, because I wanted to see where it would take me to. Yet, I knew that if I went away, that two minutes later I would use my GPS to find my way back to my school. Should have I done it? I wish I did.

I will. I promise. Give me four years. Let me save money. I’m only asking for a favor. Keep me strong. I’m breaking. It might be those tears I hold in…I think I’m officially getting soak like a paper towel. I will break and then I won’t be of any use and will just go to the trash. I want enough of time to to experience something. I want to find something that will make me feel alive. This is something I need. If I get enough of money this year…I want to go somewhere this summer. Easier said than done…world

Infinite

perks

“And in that moment I swear we were infinite.” You don’t know how much I wish to feel that everyday. I probably don’t understand the meaning the author meant, but nonetheless it’s my favorite quote. Yet, I probably live my life  in regret every single day.  Wanting the earth to stop spinning. To stop breathing. Is it sad to say that I probably wanted that ever since I was seven. Obviously when I was seven it was because of something so childish. I guess you can say I was always a depressed child. I had just moved to a new house in a new place. I was away from the one thing I knew…family.

I was falling like Woody in that one scene from Toy Story… falling into a wide unknown area where there was blackness all around. Just a child, but I know I was depressed. I was and still remains to be: should have I been that sad? Not! But I was and I remember when I was in second grade I would hold my breath and hope I would die. But back then I didn’t know what death was, nor how hard it was to achieve it. I didn’t know that if you died you wouldn’t be with the ones you love. I just wanted an escape from the ugly house. To be with my cousins who were like my siblings.

After years of tantrums and endless crying, I got fixed. Two years in this ugly house and well every thing was turning out well. Outstanding. I was finally starting to make friends. A best friend for each different year. I finally relied on more than just my cousins and sister. I had my own friends which I had thought was going to be impossible.

While I had originally thought that I was going to get out of elementary school friendless, I had a few friends. By then I saw the rainbow.